Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
They’re the worst 😩
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?