@KentWGraham: Why do doctor's offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it's going to be high then.
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@eric10F: Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair
@shutupmikeginn: So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I've never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.
@PopSlapFunk: Fun Fact: You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo's inside.
@murrman5: wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]