Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.