Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
You Might Also Like
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I have many caverns
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
my mind
You just read my mind
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.