Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
You Might Also Like
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.