@NYC_Blonde: Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don't you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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@Playing_Dad: [Ice Cream Truck] John Cena: I'll take an Icee, please. Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You? Cena: *grabs driver's shirt* No, you can't.
@Home_Halfway: When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead
@cerebralbeef: The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that's obviously not working.
@TheAlexP: * see weird traffic pattern * turns down radio * smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole * runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole