Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.