@imteddybless: why do men take selfies like they're being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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@orange_rhymer: Me: I invited Todd over for dinner. Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally? *Todd exits out the back door with our television*
@wendyraepearce: My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn't real. The irony is not lost here.
@AlisonChrista: I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.