@imteddybless: why do men take selfies like they're being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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@Dana_Bruno: What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
@weinerdog4life: I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
@iamfase: The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.