“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
how was your vacation
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow