Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸