If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Jurassic park gets weird
Catering service
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The Onion called it…again.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”