I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?