hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”