Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
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I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband