@lecalabara: Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.
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@GrimReaperInc: Men: We'll never understand women. Women: We'll never understand men. Dogs: We'll never understand cats. Cats: We'll never understand dogs. Raccoons: We'll never understand why you're throwing out all this great garbage.
@AnniemuMary: Dear commercial, If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother's Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
@NoogsCorner: Women always complain about periods. Talk to me when ovaries become supersensitive, hang in a thin sac and you accidentally sit on them.
@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way