“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Always the camel, never the toe.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Not all heroes wear capes…
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty