Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel