Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
mood
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I never know how much to tip a cow.