@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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@awkwardphilippe: [Jedi Academy] Why do you want to be Jedi? [Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army] To keep the peace
@weinerdog4life: I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot"
@KeetPotato: poet: knick knack.. paddy whack.. me: this guy is awful my dog: i know right poet: ..give the dog a bone my dog: actually lets hear him out
@OreoSpeedwagon_: After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.