@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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@just1fool: Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a "Beware of sharks" sign in my front yard.
@PandAmonnia: "YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You've been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!" *mom leaves crust on so you'll finally move out*
@HeyZeus666: Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79's pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.
@iamburtjarvis: what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human? thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.