@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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@Ristolable: According to Facebook a bunch of handsome dudes got together and decided to marry all my ex-girlfriends
@warmyellowlight: me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test* cashier: would u like a bag
@Mickey_McCauley: Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one"
@alexlumaga: Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow