@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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@_TeaChap: I went on a date last night!nIt went really well...up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
@Alex_LaVallee: My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven. I laughed. ... She stared at me until I paid her.
@MrsTomServo: Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.