Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
giddy up Office Depot
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that