Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
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i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice