@nachosarah: why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes
@AristotlesNZ: Wife: Maybe its time for "the talk" Me: Ok. Son, cops can't bust you for the drugs you've done, just the drugs you have. Her: Not that talk!
@matt___nelson: [Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] "I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"
@astutenewf: M: I can't access Twitter IT: We blocked twitter M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now? IT: Work? M: Who hurt you?