8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
There’s never enough good news
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?