BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.