@crayan9: Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren't clean, they're full of spit
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@withanewname: [shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
@prontopup: What do we want? A cure for short-term memory loss! When do we want it? When do we want what?
@mean_spice: [at a child's birthday party] Lady: which one's yours? Me: uhh, that one L: that's my daughter M: *grabs the cake and runs*
@FatherWithTwins: I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.