Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I鈥檝e got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it鈥檚 gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you鈥檙e a pessimist.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
HERE’S MARKY
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[First Date]
Her: I鈥檓 instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn鈥檛 left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her