Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
You Might Also Like
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
ok this is my dumbest yet
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.