Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*