Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?