Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I wish this was real life…
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.