My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.