@NightTraumaDoc: Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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@iwearaonesie: *opens paper towels* dog me: It's not food *opens mail* dog me: It's not food *opens package of scissors* dog me: It's not f
@JohnHilsen: Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
@graceful_asfuck: Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years? Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then.