The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
You Might Also Like
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.