Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
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Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened