Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
You Might Also Like
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.