WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
*aggressively waits in line*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”