Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
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“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Worth a try
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton