Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*