Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My flabber has been gasted.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!