@petfurniture: "why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?" because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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@KenJennings: I can't believe "still uses Winamp" is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
@Sarcasticsapien: My favorite parts of the Bible are when Jesus is alone talking to God (himself) and someone who wasn't there is writing about it.
@gruffybeard: Me: You're clingy & adorable. Like a koala. Her: I'm amazed you can spell koala. Me: *deletes 'how to spell coalla' from browser history*
@primawesome: A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What's the rest of her day like?