Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
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(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me