My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?