I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
You Might Also Like
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Ah..makes sense now
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on