You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.