Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.