@3sunzzz: Why does everyone keep telling me to 'grow a pear'? I don't even like pears.
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@KalvinMacleod: ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one. IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off. ME: Too late, I ate it.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: People are coming over tomorrow Me: We should clean today Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours? Me: We should clean tomorrow
@Thing_Finder: I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings.
@Godhatespants: Actual air attendant: "Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st"