Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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This is me 🤣🤣
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom