Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
The honesty is refreshing
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up