i hope my email finds you on fire
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LOOOOOOL
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
happy valentine’s day to me
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.