Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
o shit
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
🤣😂🤣
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!