me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
You Might Also Like
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Breaking news:
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?