Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter