Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
just got my engagement photos
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Me: 馃幍 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 馃幍 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.