Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me trying to look natural in photos
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake