Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
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My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“what that mouth do?” complain
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.