@kevinrowe1: Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?
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@ArfMeasures: [Me as a hairdresser] ME: What do u think of your haircut HER: I need more volume ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
@TheWadest: Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they're willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives...
@MountainDouche: If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It's only fair.
@cray_at_home_ma: Didn't realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby's room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.