This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.