Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
He-man has a Masters degree
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing